the poop story

so, last night i went out with my friend marka. (truth be told, we attended the opening of the movie eclipse. i'm a little embarassed to admit that.) i got out of the theater around 2:30 (yes, thats 2:30 am), picked up walker the dog who i was dog-sitting (see previous post), went home, and walked both atticus and walker for at least 30 minutes. i wanted to be able to sleep in the next morning and wanted their bladders empty.

about 4:30 i crawled into bed.

10:00 i was woken by whining. i rolled my eyes and fell back asleep. 10:30ish i rewoke to whining. FINE, i thought. i'll take walker (the whining dog) outside quickly, and then get back to bed.

i went out to the living room and rubbed by eyes, because i couldn't believe what i was seeing. there was a HUGE PILE OF POOP ON MY CARPET. meanwhile, atticus comes out and starts investigating. i was worried he would figure "oh, its okay for walker to poop here? then maybe i'll mark this spot too....". i shuffled them both outside and tied them up. i came back inside and almost gagged on the smell. i mean, seriously. gross.

i took a bunch of toilet paper, scooped up the poop, and threw it in my toilet. i mean, i could have put it in the garbage, but then i'd have to take the garbage to the dumpster. plus, where does does poop go, but in the toilet?

so yeah, i flushed. the toilet made a funny sound, but i didn't think much of it.

i scrubbed the carpet of all remnants of poop. tossed baking soda on top. lit some candles because it still STUNK.

mission accomplished, right?

wrong.

i went back to the toilet, planning on using it myself. the water level looked funny. so i flushed it to see what would happen...then watched in amazement as the water level quickly rose. i remember thinking that with the laws of gravity or something, the toilet won't overflow. (remember at this point i had very little sleep, and i had just cleaned up dog poop. i still hadn't had any coffee). well, the toilet didn't listen to me, and started to overflow.

luckily, i was quick-witted enough to reach that little twisty knob thing near the floor, and turned off the water. and luckily too, i had a fresh load of clean dog towels that i threw down to catch the cascading waterfall.

so, i now had a problem. i had to pee really really badly. and i dont own a plunger.

i quickly googled "how to unclog a toilet". most of the options included plungers, toilet snakes, and augers. there was one option that included boiling water and dish soap. so, i thought, what the heck. can't hurt anything.

for the next hour i poured pot after pot of boiling water in the toilet. i'd wait 5 minutes for it to drain, then turn on the water, and reflush. nope.

meanwhile, the dogs start whining on my porch. they want to go for a walk. or at least they want to find a bush to pee on.

FINE, i thought. so, i got dressed quickly, shuffled the dogs in my car, and drove to my friend mike's house. it was mike that started this mess, seeing as walker is his dog.

i let the dogs do their thing for awhile, and i went to search for a plunger. i also, unashamedly, used his bathroom. i'm sorry, but desperate times call for desperate measures.

mike apparently doesn't own a plunger. what in the world.

my next step is i called my friend marka. i poured out my story to her. after she stopped laughing she told me i needed a plunger.

i explained to her i didn't want to go buy just a plunger, because, seriously, how would that look? i would feel weird. and extremely embarassed. this is me we're talking about. when i went to buy a toilet brush while wearing my shorts with the holes under the back pockets and a tshirt with holes in the armpits (thinking i never see anyone i know), and i ran into a coworker. i still blush when i think about it. and that was just a toilet brush. i mean, EVERYONE uses them. not everyone uses a toilet PLUNGER.

marka suggested i go to a store i never frequent.

so, haha...i went to walmart, leaving the dogs at mike's house. and i went to the ghetto walmart. most people i know that still shop at walmart drive 30 minutes out of their way to go to the non-ghetto walmart.

luckily, they had self-checkout. i still felt weird carrying a plunger through the parking lot.

so, anyways, back in my bathroom....

i continued the boiling water thing...but this time with the plunger.

30 minutes later....most of that time waiting for water to boil...my toilet finally unclogs.

WHEW.

2 pm. rescued atticus. mike had come back, so i told him the story. after HIS laughter died down, i told him he owed me.

"independence comes with a price." ~ r.k. 988