First defeated

Today was "bad-news day". 

I've been dealing with something personal that only got worse today.  Just plain old bad news.  Can't talk about it but I wish I could express the complete depths of my disappointment with the whole situation.  Quite simply, I was let down in a big way. 

I get home this afternoon and open my electric bill.  $413.  WHAT??  Looking at it closer, it has both last residence and this residence on the bill.  I call, explain.  They made a mistake.  They took off my old residence.  I still owe $289.  WHAT? 

I explain to the guy at the energy place, and later had the same spiel with my landlord.  What in the world am I doing that is using so much energy?
- my thermostat is set anywhere  between 58-60 degrees.  Sometimes when my nose is super cold I turn it up to 62 for a bit.  I literally walk around this house in my robe ALL THE TIME because its so cold.  I asked for slippers for Christmas (and received them - thanks!) because the floor is so cold my feet are like icicles all the time and regular socks don't cut it. 
- I was gone for almost 2 weeks during the billing cycle.  My refrigerator was on.  The heat was set on 55 to make sure the pipes didn't burst.  That was it.
- My dryer broke at the beginning of December, aka the billing cycle.  Therefore, I haven't run the dryer for most of the month of December...instead electing to use twine and random hooks in my kitchen as a make-shift clothesline.
- I don't own a TV.  I don't have that running all the time.
- My laptop, which is the only extra appliance I keep plugged in all the time, is constantly switching to power saver and turns itself off.
- I close the doors of the 2 bedrooms I don't use so they're not heated.  The thermostat is in the living room, which is the warmest room in the house. 

So, I asked...what in the world?

The guy at the power company honestly didn't give a crap about my predicament.  He suggested I look online for energy saving tips. 

My landlord offered to change the heating elements of the water heater.  Its old.  The tank is larger than I am and the hot water only lasts for about 10 minutes.  He thinks that might help.

Then he suggested I turn in my car and buy one from him.  My response was along the lines of "if I need to pay $300 a month in electricity I will not be able to afford one of your cars". 

Then, to top it off, I cleaned out the dishwasher (on energy save/water miser setting), and I only pulled out part of one of my new birthday wineglasses.  I fished out one of the missing parts out of the bottom of the dishwasher.  There's still about a 1 inch square piece of glass thats missing.  I'm hoping it is ground up and in glass heaven, because I searched the dishwasher and its not there.

I keep telling myself to count my blessings.  Look at all the good things that have happened in the past few days:
- my trainee is actually enjoyable and is making progress.  I like working with her.  I'm enjoying my job (granted, not the hours, but I like the job part).
- my mom sent me a "thinking about you" text at 0430 this morning that made me smile.
- I had an awesome weekend hanging out with friends
- I had a friend able to guess what was wrong with me yesterday by just a text message that said "Eh", and he then spent all day texting me to cheer me up while I was at work.  Talk about the longest text conversation ever.  I had to text back undercover (I can't use my phone while at work), but was willing to risk it because he made me smile.  He was so freaking UNDERSTANDING, and said the exact things I needed to hear.  I told him a little of the continuing saga today and he came to visit me because he knew I was having a hard time. 

But still.  I get home today, deal with my electric bill mess, and I just feel...tired.

And defeated.

Today was the only day out of a string of 5 I could make it to the gym, and I couldn't even make myself go for the endorphin rush. 

I'm not trying to be a gigantic, weepy stick in the mud, chanting "woe is me", to anyone who is willing to listen.  I'm not.  I just wish wish wish wish wish I could come out on top somehow.  Right now I'm stuck somewhere at the bottom.

"Whats right is wrong
Whats come has gone
Whats clear and pure
Is not so sure.
It came to me
All promises become a lie
All thats benign corrupts in time"
~ Bad Religion

First of the year Funk

I have to admit, this past week was a huge struggle for me.  Getting back into a routine, waking up at the ridiculous hour of 2am, not getting enough sleep, punishing my body for not going to the gym for 3 weeks, work stuff, personal life, etc. 

On Wednesday my body was the first to rebel - I took a nap after work, and woke up so I could hit the gym with a friend.  I tried at least.  I don't know if it was sore muscles from the past couple days or a complete lack of sleep, but I could barely move.  I hurt in every way possible.  I ended up having to cancel all my plans for the night, and just went back to sleep instead. 

On Friday I received the proverbial straw in regards to something personal, so I hit the gym for 2 1/2 hours to try and work out my frustrations and disappointment.  It worked for a bit, and I went out with a group of friends for the night. 

We hit up a billiard hall...

We all are extremely untalented at pool.  It took us 2 hours to play 3 games. 

As a side note, I am very blessed to have a group of friends that I can laugh with and talk with and just be myself with. 

This morning I woke up back in a funk, so I'm going to go fix that by watching a scary movie.  I normally hate scary movies, so we'll see how this goes.

Back to work early tomorrow morning.  At least I don't have to wake up til 4am.  Second week of dayshift....we'll see how this one goes.

Numbing the pain for a while will make it worse when you finally feel it. ~ J.K. Rowling

First day down...

...more than 6 months worth of dayshifts to go.

The time I arrived at work this morning...

I'll tell you more how I feel about it when I'm not tired, cranky, and hurting from 2 hours at the gym.

p.s.  I just got a knock on my door - 8:45 pm mind you - it was a guy looking for someone I had never heard of.  No, probably shouldn't have answered the door without a gun in hand,  but Atticus was going nuts.  The more I think about it, the more I'm sure the guy was a repo man looking for the previous tenant of this house.  Interesting...*strokes beard thoughtfully*

Early to rise and early to bed
Makes a man healthy and wealthy and dead.
~ James Thurber

The First of the Year

Cleaned up at Goodwill yesterday.  Am pretty excited because I fit into a lot of pants that are the next size down from what I was wearing. 

I wasn't planning on shopping at all, but I took a good hard look at my closet and realized I probably should:  2 pairs of my favorite jeans recently ripped in unfixable places, and the jeans I was wearing on Saturday are now so big that I swim in them.  And not the cute "her jeans are a size too big" big, but more like "she looks like a clown in those jeans" big.  Plus, I'm down to 4 pairs of work pants, 3 of which the waist sags because they are no longer the right size. 

My Goodwill loot:  5 long sleeve shirts, 2 sweaters, 9 pairs of work pants, 1 pair of Born shoes, and 2 pairs of jeans...

Can you tell what my favorite colors to wear are...???

My favorite deal of the day...a new pair of pants from the Limited with their original tags on...

I feel bad talking about my Goodwill good luck when crap is happening elsewhere though:

One of my friends is fairly verbal on the subject of police officer safety, and posts all officers killed from the Officer Down Memorial Page.  (If you ever want to be humbled or read something sad - go to ODMP.org and read the posts and the reflections.)

On January 1st at 6:30 am, my friend posted:  "We ended 2011 with 163 law enforcement officers killed in the line of duty, an increase from 2010. We start 2012 with a blank slate. Each New Year presents an exciting possibility that memorial services can go on hiatus for the entire year. But in such times of discourse, misunderstanding, wariness, and training budgets being cut, I know it's just a matter of time before we put the black bands over our badges.


Love your police officers, deputies and troopers. You may not always see eye to eye, but they're keepers at the gate separating you from evil."

Just 4 HOURS later, he writes: "It didn't take long... New Year's Day isn't half over and already two law enforcement officers are dead. Keep their friends and families in your thoughts and prayers."

One officer is from my state; no, I didn't work with her, but I know people who did.  This is her ODMP page.

You want to know the part of my job that gets me? Its this.  I can deal with the crying callers, listening to people scream in the background of collisions, officers yelling over the radio.  I can compartamentalize that until it no longer affects me as much as it once did.  But this is what I worry about - hearing someone's last words on the radio.  Knowing that they will never able to sign out of service again.  And to tell you the truth, its probably the biggest fear of all dispatchers:  we want our "guys" to come home safely at the end of every night. 

So, if you want to pray for people you haven't met, pray for the men and women in law enforcement.  Pray for their families, whose daily worry is so much greater than my own. 
 
* Climbs off soap box *
 
One resolution I have made, and try always to keep, is this: To rise above the little things.
~ John Burroughs

Vacation

I don't like to post pictures of my nieces and nephews faces on here, so the following is just little bits and pieces of my vacation, in pictures...

Walking with my Bro-in-law and nephew to pick up my niece from school

With my brothers and sisters in law enjoying a local donut shop

Putting together a puzzle of my brothers face

Endorsing a glue stick at my niece's preschool

My brother eating a cricket

Central Market

My fried food extravaganza at market...it includes fried pickles!!!!

Salvation Army waiting line on half price day.  Ridiculous.

My kit from US Airways for inconviencing me...the "Apology card - Made in China" made me laugh.

Some crafty things I made....a superhero set for my my nephew

A skirt for my niece...using this super easy pattern

A travel art case for my niece that I pieced together after looking at multitudes of ideas and tutorials online. 

The art case opened up in 3 sections...a zipper pocket, a pencil pocket, and a paper pocket.

Probably my favorite picture from my whole vacation...my nephew demonstrating his super hero set.

I read a blog post today that explains my vacationing perfectly.  Read it if you want some insight. 

Trying to put some plans together with friends for tonight.  Hoping it will be a relaxing evening at someone's home (preferably mine!!!!)

Back to work in 3 days.  Oi.  Don't think I'm ready yet.

The family - that dear octopus from whose tentacles we never quite escape, nor, in our inmost hearts, ever quite wish to.
~ Dodie Smith

Return

Back home after a whirlwind 10 days on the east coast.  Sad to leave, but happy to be back.  Vacation pictures to be posted at a later date...

The family. We were a strange little band of characters trudging through life sharing diseases and toothpaste, coveting one another's desserts, hiding shampoo, borrowing money, locking each other out of our rooms, inflicting pain and kissing to heal it in the same instant, loving, laughing, defending, and trying to figure out the common thread that bound us all together.

~ Erma Bombeck

O Christmas Shoes!

Celebrating a 30th birthday with a friend as I'll be missing her actual birthday on my vacation...

We spent a couple hours at the gym and rewarded ourselves with high calorie food and wearing fabulous shoes. :)

And the Grinch, with his Grinch-feet ice cold in the snow, stood puzzling and puzzling, how could it be so? It came without ribbons. It came without tags. It came without packages, boxes or bags. And he puzzled and puzzled 'till his puzzler was sore. Then the Grinch thought of something he hadn't before. What if Christmas, he thought, doesn't come from a store. What if Christmas, perhaps, means a little bit more.
~ Dr Seuss